I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize