A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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