In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
