I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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