Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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