she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
