The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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