What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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