I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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