she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
