So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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