that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When are your genitals available?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
