I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
