Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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