Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
