mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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