ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Someone came in the potted fern
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize