Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
