An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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