If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
