I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
birth control should be required to get into college
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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