i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
