upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
