Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize