Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
