My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
