I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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