I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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