When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
