ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
