Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize