He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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