So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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