I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
