a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
