Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
