is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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