If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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