Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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