Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
