It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
