Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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