you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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