I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
