There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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