I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
