So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
