Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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