I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize