i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
