ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
