in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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