Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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