I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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