The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
