i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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