i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
