so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
