he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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