it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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