Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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